[Praw]

Well, lately I noticed I'm good at rappin & poetry. So here's some short poems I did give me feedback on what you think :).



I watch myself chasing pavements, to what i find is our engravement carved in the tree. I wonder do you recall these events or the memories of me. I express my thoughts lyrically through poetry, so darling darling wont you stand beside me :). - Jio ( Expressions Of Affection ) Aug 7 12:24 am


 You say it's unthinkable but I already thought. The flowers, the cards , the love I already brought
Master card your so priceless a poem from the heart I hope you like this. First day I saw you, Took the chance so I don't miss. Need you to live , and before I fall I give it my all.

- Jio (The UnThinkable)  Aug 6  11:54 pm

This post has been edited by Str8BaggiN: 07 August 2010 - 04:42 AM

[LawlWorthy]

Ill post a couple stanzas from what I just wrote a few nights ago.

Lolita Bush
August 1st, 2001

"""Say another word, another line
Call her a name
I have no shame in devising ways
To splatter your brain

Across the pavement
I made this
For you and I thank-
You for the inspiration
For thoughts upon this page

I hope that when you find this
You read the whole damn thing
And get the message;
That this is what I honestly think: """

Id post more, but it gets rather vulgar.

[Praw]

Your gay gtfo

[TheFatai]

I liked it xD.

Hey dont be a FGT and comment bad...

[dropship]

Boneface the critic :(

@Str8BaggiN:

Your meaning is clear, but the structure is sloppy (there are no clear lines or stanzas), the imagery is a bit awkward (I see what you're trying to do with "engravement carved in the tree" and stuff like that, but that just doesn't paint a picture, not even a subtle one like most non-descriptive poems aim to do. Make it a bit more...whole), flow isn't quite solid (I learned in literature class in 8th grade that you don't read a poem you appreciate, you're carried through it), and your grammar is off. But keep working at it, I see you're not just fabricating your stuff.

@LawlWorthy:

First things first, I assume "To splatter your brain; Across the pavement" is meant to be a single statement, hence, don't put the two fragments on separate stanzas, just on separate lines does fine; separate stanzas just implies that you've moved on to another idea. Second, the way you separate your lines is awkward: "I made this; For you; And I thank-; You for the inspiration". It appears that you're trying to put some kind of rhythm to this (believe it or not most poems have a rhythm), and this makes it seem choppy. You want your poem to read smoothly and just seem smooth in general. I'm not in any position to criticize any more since all you gave was a fragment.

To both of you: If your poems are free verse, which most aspiring poets use as an excuse to ward of criticism (no offense), then you are entitled to completely ignore my criticism. But even so, a free verse poem without any sort of structure will still fall apart into a mess of words much like any other poem would.

[LawlWorthy]

Boneface, on 07 August 2010 - 03:21 PM, said:

Boneface the critic :(


@LawlWorthy:

First things first, I assume "To splatter your brain; Across the pavement" is meant to be a single statement, hence, don't put the two fragments on separate stanzas, just on separate lines does fine; separate stanzas just implies that you've moved on to another idea. Second, the way you separate your lines is awkward: "I made this; For you; And I thank-; You for the inspiration". It appears that you're trying to put some kind of rhythm to this (believe it or not most poems have a rhythm), and this makes it seem choppy. You want your poem to read smoothly and just seem smooth in general. I'm not in any position to criticize any more since all you gave was a fragment.

The reason I write so chopping is because it sint meant to be read, but heard aloud. I tend to freestyle [rap] when Im at home, and write down my ideas. I separated those lines because rap is done on a 4 count so when i read it and freestyle it helps me figure out the original rhythm.

tl'dr: I write it choppy for my own convenience.


Thanks for being constructive though, I actually DO Like to be criticized as long as it is constructive and doesnt just say something like "get@grammar"
Thanks :o

[GoddessofLove]

ITT: Writtens = freestyles.

[Requiem*]

*applauds* enjoyed!

[Flying Tofu]

It's really good! But how do you find ideas in poetry. The ones I'm doing rely so much on syllables. Btw, does anyone know how to do Shakespeare (with or without the e) style poetry?